Three Simple Ways Millennials Can Save Money Now That Bernie Can’t Give Them Free Shit

General

I’d never thought I’d have to say thank you to the African-American community, but African-American voters saved us from Bernie Sanders becoming the Democratic nominee for president, and maybe even the president! Obviously, the people that are not happy are Millenial voters, who expected Bernie to give them a bunch of free shit. I want to help young Americans by showing them three simple (and obvious) ways to save money so they can relay on themselves.

1. Support Free Trade Policies

Free trade agreements increase wealth by removing trade barriars and tariffs, while increasing commerce, lowing prices, and creating jobs. Young people can save money and increase their wealth by supporting the USMCA, Trans-Pacific Partnership, and International Grains Agreement.

2. Put Money into a 401(k) Instead of a New Xbox

Research shows that only 4% of young Americans are adequately saving for retirement, but 98% play video games! Instead of buying the newest Xbox every year, Millenials would be wise to put that money into a brokerage account.

3. Watch Free Porn Instead of Paying for It

It makes no sense to pay $20 or more for a subscription to a pornographic website when there are thousands of free porn videos to enjoy on web. Paid porn sites will try to entice you by offering access to additional sites, but what those offer are really just similar to what the first site has. So, in addition, free sites will provide more variety. Young people would be served to use free websites such as www.xhamster.com, www.youporn.com, and www.pornhub.com.

Even better, one can avoid the degeneracy of pornography by instead masturbating to music videos from the ‘80s. That was a particularly sexy decade for music videos, due to the heavy use of spandex and hair spray. Plus, the men back then looked just as pretty as the girls, so you’ll get double bang for your buck.

Top 5 Sexist Music Videos from the ‘80s

5. Olivia Newton John – Physical

4. Motley Crue – Girls Girls Girls

3. Prince – Kiss

2. Whitesnake – Here I Go Again

1. ZZ Top – Velcro Fly