Weird. I starting watching The Crown on Netflix just last night. Can you believe it? Fucking eerie, this shit.
I don’t know if you follow the news as little as I do, but apparently, some policemen in Minneapolis killed a black man named Floyd George. Which made people so angry that they rioted all over America. And I’m sitting here thinking, “Hey fellas, what’s with the outrage? Cops kill black men all the time. Why are you suddenly mad now?”
Must be everyone was itching to get out after weeks of having to stay home due to COVID-19. I’m glad we as a country have decided that we are no longer going to care about the coronavirus. I was sick of not being allowed to go to the garden center to eat bird seed or attend mass gatherings with my cult. And I’m positive these protests won’t lead to any new outbreaks of COVID-19. Those protesters are on the side of social justice, so they’ll be immune.
There have not been any protests where I live. But I live in small town in Michigan, where the few black people here are just happy to have escaped Detroit. Still, I stay on alert for any signs of a riot brewing. When I pass a black person on the sidewalk (we taught them to walk on the sidewalk instead of the middle of the street like they do in their urban environments) I keep my eye on them. I give them the stink eye and don’t break it until they are out of view. Occasionally, one will say something (“Whaddafuq u doin’?”) and I’ll get spooked and run away.
Anyway, because there is a major political movement underway in America, our nation’s celebrities have to make their voices heard, by virtue signaling on social media. 57 years ago, Charlton Heston and others marched with Dr. King, but posting from an iPhone is just as brave. One of many stars to express platitudes online was Lea Michele, best known as Rachel Berry on Glee, and not much since.
That’s when things went hilariously wrong for her. After Lea posted the following message on Twitter: “George Floyd did not deserve this. This was not an isolated incident and it must end. #BlackLivesMatter”, a black actress named Samantha Marie Ware, who guest stared on Glee, replied (in all caps because black women type like they talk):
“LMAO REMEMBER WHEN YOU MADE MY FIRST TELEVISON GIG A LIVING HELL?!?! CAUSE ILL NEVER FORGET. I BELIEVE YOU TOLD EVERYONE THAT IF TOU HAD THE OPPORTUNITY YOU WOULD “SHIT IN MY WIG!” AMONGST OTHER TRAUMATIC MICROAGRESSIONS THAT MADE ME QUESTION A CAREER IN HOLLYWOOD… ”
First off, I’m skeptical that Lea Michele ever threatened to shit in a black girl’s wig, because I find it hard to believe a white woman would ever say anything that hilarious. Second, I don’t think a microaggression can by definition be traumatic. That would make it a real aggression. Like, if Lea held Samantha down and shit on her head while calling her the n-word, that would be aggressive and traumatic. But that’s not worth quibbling about.
The fact is, Lea’s bad attitude was confirmed by three other black actors who worked with her, Amber Riley and Alex Newell from Glee, and Yvette Nicole Brown from the short lived sitcom The Mayor (which was Parks & Recs if written by hacks). The two dumb Millenials communicated via animated .gifs, which is annoying. But Yvette, a grown woman and Christian, used words. Bless.
So it looks like Lea Michele hates black people. That would make her a racist, which is not a good thing to be now that we are expected to care about black people. As far as I can tell, this hasn’t cost her any acting work, but only because it’s been awhile since she’s had any. Hello Fresh (whatever that is) dropped their endorsement deal with her, meaning Lea will no longer receive free cabbage.
Lea Michele apologized on Instagram. Instagram is a platform for photos, but Lea[’s publicist] typed out an apology and put it on an image file. I don’t like that. I wish people still wrote on blogs instead of social media. But I get why. No one reads blogs anymore. This is a blog, and no one will read this. Still, Lea Michele really shit on my wig by making me read text placed on a picture.
Unfortunately for Lea, apologizing over social media never works. No one ever receives the forgiveness they were hoping for. If anything, the situation only gets worse for the person who apologized. Because after Lea said sorry, more actors came forward with stories about how horrible she was. Among them: Glee costar Heather Morris, Gerard Canonico, Imia Edwards, Plastic Martyr, Monica Moskatow, Jordan Pruitt, and Dabier Snell. I don’t know who those people are, but Kate Hudson don’t like Lea Michele neither!
But that’s actually good news. Because now we know Lea is not just mean to black people. She is mean to white people as well. Which means Lea Michele is not a racist. Lea Michele is just a huge cunt! She’s a theater kid from New York City, that shouldn’t surprise anyone.
Finally, let’s put this in perspective. In the history of Glee, this is really only the fifth or sixth worse thing to have happened. Two actors died, one had a drug overdose, another committed suicide to avoid a prison term for possessing child pornography. I think Glee is cursed.
I’d never thought I’d have to say thank you to the African-American community, but African-American voters saved us from Bernie Sanders becoming the Democratic nominee for president, and maybe even the president! Obviously, the people that are not happy are Millenial voters, who expected Bernie to give them a bunch of free shit. I want to help young Americans by showing them three simple (and obvious) ways to save money so they can relay on themselves.
1. Support Free Trade Policies
Free trade agreements increase wealth by removing trade barriars and tariffs, while increasing commerce, lowing prices, and creating jobs. Young people can save money and increase their wealth by supporting the USMCA, Trans-Pacific Partnership, and International Grains Agreement.
2. Put Money into a 401(k) Instead of a New Xbox
Research shows that only 4% of young Americans are adequately saving for retirement, but 98% play video games! Instead of buying the newest Xbox every year, Millenials would be wise to put that money into a brokerage account.
3. Watch Free Porn Instead of Paying for It
It makes no sense to pay $20 or more for a subscription to a pornographic website when there are thousands of free porn videos to enjoy on web. Paid porn sites will try to entice you by offering access to additional sites, but what those offer are really just similar to what the first site has. So, in addition, free sites will provide more variety. Young people would be served to use free websites such as www.xhamster.com, www.youporn.com, and www.pornhub.com.
Even better, one can avoid the degeneracy of pornography by instead masturbating to music videos from the ‘80s. That was a particularly sexy decade for music videos, due to the heavy use of spandex and hair spray. Plus, the men back then looked just as pretty as the girls, so you’ll get double bang for your buck.
Top 5 Sexist Music Videos from the ‘80s
5. Olivia Newton John – Physical
4. Motley Crue – Girls Girls Girls
3. Prince – Kiss
2. Whitesnake – Here I Go Again
1. ZZ Top – Velcro Fly
[In August of 2008, Billy Green was interviewed by the blog TELEVISION MADDNESS. It was assumed the interview was lost forever when the blog shut down in September of 2008. But recently, I went through some old boxes in the office and found a 32MB flash drive that I hoped stored some lost pornography. Sadly, it did not. But it did contain a copy of the webpage. I have uploaded the interview for historical purposes.]
Billy Green runs Boycott The Caf, a website that parodies Degrassi The Next Generation.
Television Maddness: You must have been a fan of the Degrassi for a long time.
Billy Green: No, actually, I never saw original Degrassi from the 80s, not Junior High, not Degrassi High. I had never even heard of them before watching The Next Generation. TNG was my first exposure to the franchise.
TVM: That is surprising you never knew about Degrassi Junior High.
BG: Yeah, like, people younger than me will tell me that watched original Degrassi. I don’t know how they saw it if they didn’t grow up in Canada.
TVM: It aired on a lot of PBS stations.
BG: See, and I would have seen it then because my parents didn’t have cable for a long time when I was a kid because we were poor and got evicted a lot.
TVM: That’s so sad. I’m sorry.
BG: Shut up I don’t need your pity. Like I was saying, I lived in a real small town and the local PBS station must not have had enough money to buy the rights. They mostly filled airtime with British crap or programs about white-tailed deer. They at least had Ghostwriter, which was f***ing sweet.
TVM: How did you find Degrassi then?
BG: Oh God I remember that day so vividly. I was at a sleepover at J-Money’s [Boycott the Caf writer Johnny Dangerous] house with another person who doesn’t want me to use his real name because he doesn’t want to be associated with our website. We’ll just call him Willingham Proboat. We were playing Mario Kart 64. We were going to play it for 64 hours straight. That was a thing back then. It was called Nintendo 64 Hour Challenge. You stayed awake for 2 and a half days to play a Nintendo 64 game. You could go to the bathroom, but you had to subtract those minutes from the playtime, because pauses don’t count. You really did not want to poop. Rumor was, if you made it the whole 64 hours, Nintendo would fly you to Japan and let you see the zoo where they keep all the Pokemon.
We only got to hour 27 before J-Money’s Nintendo 64 caught fire.
J-Money’s parents put out the fire and told us to go play outside. We didn’t want to because it was too bright out, so we watched TV instead.
Flipping through the channels, we saw this homely blonde girl, but she was wearing the most awesome pair of jeans. It had a design of a dolphin leaping out of the water up along the leg to her lady bits. It was beautiful.
TVM: That must have been the very first episode. [Mother and Child Reunion]
BG: Shutup I’m still talking.
We went on J-Money’s parents’ computer to see if we could find where to buy jeans like that but would fit an adult. It took hours of searching before we found a site that was mostly in Russian. We put in his parents’ credit card but somehow a virus got downloaded. It was so bad that you couldn’t clean it out with McAfee. J-Money’s parents had to throw out the computer. And they couldn’t buy a new computer because their identities were stolen somehow.
Anyway, we went back to watching more of that show. The-N hardly airs Degrassi anymore, because I guess they’re ashamed of it. But it was on almost all the time back in the early 2000s, the Oh-Ohs.
TVM: That’s the name for this decade?
BG: They should be called the Uh-Ohs because of George W. Bu$h, am I right?
TVM: Yes. LOL.
BG: By the way, put a dollar sign in place of the S on Bu$h’s name, because he is so greedy for oil. In fact, put a dollar sign in place of every letter! That will show him!
TVM: Can do. The Next Generation must have been so shocking to three young kids.
BG: Kids? No, we were high school seniors at the time. But Degrassi did teach us what sex is.
TVM: Oh… [long pause]
TVM: I’m still here. How did this all lead to Boycott The Caf?
BG: We make fun of it, because it’s a terribly written show. So I told J-Money we should put all the things we say while watching into a website, so others can laugh like we do. It was a few years before I got the website rolling, because I spent a lot of time comparing Geocities versus Tripod as hosts. I do all the web coding because J-Money’s parents don’t let him on a computer very much, but he writes the character biographies. I write the episodes and have been doing it season after season.
Since then my old friends from high school have gone on to have full-time jobs and met girls and we’ve lost touch, but I am still here watching Degrassi and writing about it every week. I have a lot of free time thanks to my English degree. J-Money still works on the site with me, but he recently got a girlfriend, so I don’t know how long he’ll be around.
His girlfriend is still in high school so she still likes Degrassi. Lucky man. He watches Degrassi with her friends and then they go out and steal people’s mail and then find an alley to smoke in.
TVM: What has been the reaction from Degrassi fans to BTC? Has anyone from the show seen it, and, if so, what did they say?
BG: That’s a big question. We get a lot of emails, and the reactions have been all over the room for miles, as they say. Many people appreciate our humor. Others are offended. Some people even thought we were an official Degrassi website and would want to correct “errors” quote-unquote we had. That was amusing.
As far as word from anyone who works on the show, early on, we got an email from the writers, using an official Epitome Pictures email address. They thought we were funny and agreed with our take. They must hate their jobs. Then a talent agent for some of the actors sent us a picture of Jake Epstein [Craig] where he is standing under the Degrassi Street sign and the sun is in his eyes and he is scratching his foot with his other foot. I don’t know what to make of that.
I have also been informed that on the season 3 DVD commentary tracks, they use the term Candy Bandits to refer Jay and his merry band of thieves, which we originated. That is an honor, I suppose.
TVM: What are your plans for the future?
BG: Well, I figure Degrassi will end soon. They’re on season 7 now, right? How much longer can this go on? I don’t know what to do after Degrassi ends, maybe work on my erotic fiction.
TVM: How about in your personal life?
BG: Boy it’s been tough in this economy. The only jobs I can get interviews for don’t have benefits and involve cleaning up someone’s poop. I’m so looking forward to voting for Obama.
TVM: Me too. It’s real exciting. You can feel it in the air with people how much they know Obama’ll fix things.
BG: I don’t even like black people, but I’m going to vote for Obama. You can just tell it when he talks he’s not like a typical politician. He’s going to get things done. He’ll give us healthcare and fix the economy and get us out of all Bu$h’$ wars in the Middle East.
TVM: I know! I can’t wait!
BG: Plus if we vote for a black guy we should be allowed to say the n-word. Right? That’s what I’m hoping for the most.
TVM: Ha ha. On my. I wouldn’t go that far. But I bet a President Obama will be as amazing as you say. All my friends think the same.
BG: They should totally give him the next Nobel Peace Price, before he even does anything. That’s how great Obama will be.
TVM: Billy thanks for talking with us at TV Maddness. Be sure to check out Boycott The Caf, the best website for Degrassi.
[Editor’s Note: Sadly, Billy Green passed away in 2018 very tragically. Billy was at a crowded bar outside of Detroit late at night and yelling, “So what I’m white? I can say n***er whenever I want. It’s a free country and we had a n***er president even. N***er! N***er! N***er! N***er! N***er! N***er! N***er! Big thick n***er dick! N***er! N***er! N***er!”
You can imagine what happened next. A police officer overheard Billy shouting the n-word, panicked, and fired his gun, mistaking our writer for an African-American. Billy’s parents sued, but a jury sided with the state, partly due to Billy’s criminal record. At the time of the shooting, Billy was on probation for of manufacturing and selling counterfeit Hanes Her Way underwear. Black Lives Matter did not take up the cause of Billy Green’s killing…bunch of jerks.
My name is P.O. Poppenheimer. I was hired as an intern in 2016, and stayed on after Billy’s death because the office remained open, due to office space in the Upper Peninsula being very cheap (due to there being no economy up here) and I could continue to earn college credit by forging Billy’s signature. As of March of 2020, I was named executor of the assets of Billy Green, including warmfuzzyglow.com, by the State of Michigan (the actual assets are owned by a trust compromising Billy’s many cats). Thus, I have appointed myself editor and publisher of the new Warm Fuzzy Glow. It’s a step up from my previous position, answering emails and sewing knockoff underwear.
The archives for Boycott the Caf can be found at dumbbaby.net
Finally, I do not know what happened to Johnny Dangerous. Keep an eye out for him. I have been informed that the Maryland State Police is offering a substantial reward for any information that leads to his arrest.]
Boycott the Caf can be found at www.dumbbaby.net
For some reason, without the www, it goes to a 404 error on this domain. I don’t know why. So remember, act like it’s 1999 and always type the www.