Degrassi Revisited: “Message in a Bottle”, Season 2, Episode 16

TV Review

How’s COVID been for you? I don’t know anyone who’s gotten sick, so am confidant in saying COVID is a hoax and we should all be breathing on each other. I want to hate this months long lockdown, but, truthfully, it hasn’t really affected me. I have no friends and never go anywhere. 2020 has been pretty much like 2019 for me, except I have to wear a mask to Wal-mart, and it closes at 8:30 pm, like a folksy small town Wal-mart from a bygone era.

There is one aspect of this pandemic that I have taken pleasure in: how it’s cut through the hubris bigger states have about themselves. As a life long resident of Michigan, I’ve never had a reason to be proud of my state, and resent there are states where people do. Watching them taken down a peg makes me happy.

For instance, early in the outbreak, California had very few cases and acted like they were managing it right and the rest of us were too dumb to figure out. “We’re like our own country. We aren’t following Drumpf. We got this.” Then COVID hit them so hard, and they had to close businesses, shut down Hollywood, arrest people trying to use the beach, and make everyone wear masks outdoors. Ha ha! With your gyms and yoga studios closed, Californians, soon you’ll be just as fat as we are in the Midwest!

Then Texas was all like, “We ain’t pussies like California. We ain’t afraid of no Coronavirus. YEE-HAW!” Knock that off. You had to shut down the same time California did. You Texans aren’t as tough as you claim. You deserve Joe Rogan.

Being stuck inside has started to wear on me. I’ve regressed to the point where I’ve been watching old Degrassi. Yeah, I’m going stir crazy. Recently, I saw Message in a Bottle” the season 2 episode that originally aired January 17, 2003, and wanted to re-recap the original on Boycott the Caf. I like this episode because it centers on Sean, the most interesting character from the early seasons. He’s the original bad boy of Canada. Sorry Jacques Loubier, the lumber jack who plays by his own rules.

We see a key unlock a door, footsteps, the key flung on a table, a Coke can opened. Then it is revealed that this is Sean’s hovel, where he brought Emma to study. It’s not exactly The Sopranos or Breaking Bad quality cinematography, but it’s nice to go back to when the people who made Degrassi put a little effort into their show. Sean lives with his adult brother, Tracker, who shows up because he quit his job as a jizz mopper. Tracker kicks Sean and Emma out so he can have a girl over. Tracker is ashamed to show anyone the type of girl he can get.

We then go to the school, where basketball practice is bouncing away (tee-hee!). Sean and Jimmy are on the team but don’t like each other for some such reason. But Spinner brokers a peace accord. See, Jimmy will host a party tonight, Spinner tells Jimmy to invite Sean, and Jimmy does. You don’t say no to Spinner.

Meanwhile, Emma’s parents have been planning a dinner for Sean for a week, but Emma still hasn’t invited him. If I was Emma, I wouldn’t want anyone to meet my parents either. But since the dinner is tonight, Manny pushes Emma to tell Sean.

“No!” yells Sean, upon receiving the invitation. He was really angry, like offended at the offer. I always liked eating dinner at a friend’s house. It was nice to see what another kid’s mother cooked, how their dinner setup looked, and experience a family meal where the mom and dad didn’t scream at each other the whole time.

Sean would rather go to Jimmy’s party. But Mr. Simpson comes by, grabs Sean’s butt, and is excited to have Sean over. He’s such a cool kid and Simpson could brag to everyone that he hung out with Sean. Emma says her mom will make sushi. Wait, isn’t Emma a vegetarian? Maybe she considers fish a vegetable. Maybe she thinks refusing to eat Japanese food would be racist. Either way, they’re having sushi tonight.

Then we go to Jimmy, who looks longingly at Ashley. They broke up after her escapade with Ecstasy last year, but he still pines for her. Of course, since Ashley is goth now, she won’t date Jimmy unless he starts wearing black makeup. “She’s become a vampire,” Spinner tells Jimmy. Goths had been a thing in the US for twenty five years at this point, but must’ve been new to Canada. Spinner doesn’t know what to make of it.

I’m not even sure what Ashley and Ellie are doing is strictly goth. They have too much color in their appearance (at least Ashley and Ellie are black in demeanor). They look more like Avril Lavigne (remember her?), pop-punk filtered through Hot Topic and the Warped Tour. To be fair to Ashley and Ellie, I think goth culture was greatly diluted since the ‘90s. These two grew up in a time when Christina Ricci was considered goth. Really, all you had to do to be goth in 2003 was not smile and watch Tim Burton movies a lot. Ashley and Ellie made multiple trips to the theater for his remake of Planet of the Apes.

Fun fact: The actress who played Ellie hated her goth look and that is why the producers toned it down later on. Which is good because the character wanted to pursue a career in journalism. If Ellie was interviewing people and reporting stories while dressed goth, she’d look dumber than Chris Cuomo.

Anyway, Jimmy invites Terri to his party. He doesn’t want Terri there, but Terri will be sure to bring Ashley. In the hallway, Paige and Terri talk about the party while Ashley and Ellie are behind them. I don’t know if they are walking as a group or it’s a coincidence Ashley and Ellie are right behind them. But now we have confirmation that Ashley knows about Jimmy’s party. Paige can’t attend because she’s getting her vagina dyed or something. I don’t know why we had to hear that, but I guess we had to know that Paige won’t be there.

Back at the hovel, Sean is mad at his brother for losing his job. “Money is important, Sean,” says Tracker, “but so is my pride.” Tracker demands respect when he’s on the clock, mopping up jizz at the Wank-o-drome. Sean says Tracker is behaving just like their dad, but Tracker responds that, unlike papa, he doesn’t waste all his money on booze. Tracker assures Sean that he has an interview at another porn theater. Good for Tracker. You don’t want to spend your whole career as a jizz mopper at the same porn theater. Your skills will go stale. Stale and crusty.

Sean takes some pickled herring out of the fridge and heads to Emma’s house. What’s the deal, Sean? You aren’t going to a Norwegian wedding? You know what’s funny? I saw that and really wanted some pickled herring. I looked it my fridge and there just so happened to be half a jar of pickled herring way in the back! I don’t know how old it was, but pickled herring can’t spoil. It pretty much already is.

Anyway, the whole family is getting ready for the big dinner in Sean’s honor. Simpson opens a bottle of wine. I don’t like that the only two adults insist on drinking alcohol when the meal is for kids. Open a bottle of Faygo for everyone. Sean arrives and is uncomfortable because they have to sit on the floor like real Japanese people do in Japan. They even use the coffee table as a dinner table. Fucking weebs. Sean doesn’t know how to use chopsticks, so stabs the sushi like a boss. I like that. I don’t know how to use chopsticks either, so I eat sushi with a spoon.

Sean goes to get water, sees the wine, and takes a big drink. He slammed that 6oz glass like it was nothing. I am an adult, and if I downed that much, I’d have to lie in bed next to a bucket. Also, Sean did that in clear view of everyone else. There is no door between the kitchen and living room. But Simpson and Spike could get in trouble for letting a kid drink in their house, especially since Simpson is a teacher. So it’s best if everyone pretends it never happened.

Now that I think about it, that might be sake, since everything about this meal is Japanese. Sake is called Japanese wine, except it’s made from rice, so should be called Japanese beer, or maybe whiskey. The Japanese don’t know what wine is. That’s our fault, though, we in the West. It’s kind of mean that we’ve had relations with Japan since the 1850s, but not one of us ever explained grapes. It’s the worst thing we’ve ever done to Japan.

Anyway, Sean drunkenly spills pie on Emma*, so she goes to change, and then Simpson goes to tinkle on the potty (he sits down of course), so Sean is left alone with Spike, who wants to make conversation. It goes about as well as any conversation between a teen boy and an over the hill woman could. Snake says it must be nice to get a home cooked meal. “Because I don’t get home cooked meals at home?” Sean says sarcastically. He should have shot back that sushi was never cooked, so she is a dirty lying old cunt. Sean accuses Snake of calling him a “welfare case” and leaves in a huff.

Why is Sean so ashamed? Being a welfare case in Canada would be sweet because they have actual welfare. If I lived in Canada, I would never get a job. I’ve seen Trailer Park Boys—being a deadbeat in Canada is a lot of fun.

*I blame Mr. Simpson for having puny little girl arms that can’t pass a pie tray.

Every party needs fresh apples. They are a healthy snack!

The party is bopping at Jimmy’s. Kids are making out (the boy extras probably enjoyed that assignment more than the girls) and dancing to some song from white guys pretending to be Bobby Brown. Music is weird.

I had a sad realization a few months ago, when Ben Shapiro, the tiny conservative pundit, complained about a song by Cardie Bee and Meg Stallone, and was mocked over and over. People my age are old enough to be out of touch with pop music! I know that, spiritually, Ben Shapiro is the world’s youngest Baby Boomer, but it still makes me feel old—even more than the fact my knees hurt when I sit down on the toilet.

I am fine with laughing at Ben Shapiro. He certainly deserves it. But can these people also admit that “WAP” is not a very good song? “But it’s empowering to women!” Sure, I’ll concede that. Every 9-year-old girl needs to hear “WAP” every morning before school to inspire her to fight the Republican Party. “WAP” truly exemplifies the legacy of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I get that. Now I want you to admit that it’s a terrible song. The lyrics are simple and the beat is boring.

Cardie Bee is so stupid she makes me wistful for the time of Lil Kim. You kids may think Cardie Bee is something new and groundbreaking, but Lil Kim’s songs were just as sexual and provocative, but actually sounded good. The Jump Off is catchier than anything Cardie Bee has done, with better lyrics too. I make a Sprite can disappear in my mouth. Man, I’d like to see that. I wish I could do that. It would be a neat trick to show at parties! That’s Lil Kim, she told a story with her songs. Lighters Up” told me that particular part of Brooklyn is a place I should avoid. How Many Licks” told me masturbating to Lil Kim’s poster would help me get through prison. God bless you Lil Kim, wherever you are.

So…anyway, Sean arrives at Jimmy’s party drunk. He is happy to see Spinner, but who isn’t? He gets along with Jimmy, too. Good thing Sean is a happy drunk, like a German, and not a mean drunk, like an Irishman.

Craig asks Sean if he has been drinking. Craig is wearing a leather jacket over a sweater. He must be sweaty as hell. He has two of the warmest items of clothing on top of one another, and he’s indoors, in a crowded room with people dancing. Of course, he has to dress in black to indicate he is a rocker. In contrast, Sean always wears a denim jacket to show he is poor but tough.

The kids of Degrassi dress like cartoon characters, and I love it.

Sean sees a bottle of the Devil’s Sprite that belongs to Jimmy’s dad. Sean takes it—because the white man always take from the black man—and pours it into a pop bottle, which every teenager thinks is a full proof way to sneak booze around. But Sean also keeps the booze bottle. Sean, you so crazy.

Emma arrives and tells Sean, “So sooooorry about my mom.” Seriously, I think she set the record for the most Canadian slur of sorry ever. She should get an award from the prime minister. Emma tries to grab the bottle from Sean. He keeps it away but then drops it on the floor, where it shatters. Immediately, the music stops. That comes from a movie trope: something happens to stop the party, there is a record scratch. They can’t do that anymore because kids don’t know how to use record players. Someone hit the pause button on the CD player just in time.

Jimmy kicks Sean out and picks up the glass. He cuts his finger and then Ashley kneels down next to him and takes his hand. Maybe Spinner was right about her being a vampire!

Emma and Sean are on the other side of the highway from Jimmy’s estate. Sean is hungover. Emma calls her parents for a ride. But I don’t think they are too far away. Sean walked from his house to Emma’s and then to Jimmy’s. Or maybe he took the bus. For all I know, Emma and Sean are sitting at some odd looking Canadian style bus stop right now.

The next day at school, Jimmy is mad at Sean. But then Jimmy gets a kiss from Ashley. Ask me, Jimmy should thank Sean for setting in motion what led to that kiss. At least give him some money.

Emma tries to comfort Sean. She has on her signature dolphin jeans, which are meant to help. Dolphins are very soothing. Also, she has boxing gloves tied to her waist. I don’t know what’s up with that.

Conclusion

This was a nice, simple, classic Degrassi story. No dumb gimmicks, no superfluous characters or scenes. No obnoxious politics, even. This is Degrassi done right.

Degrassi Revisited: “Bark at the Moon”, Season 4, Episode 13

TV Review

I got home one Sunday night in July after a long weekend with my stupid fucking family. Saturday was too hot, then it rained all Sunday and there was a flood warning. I didn’t care because my apartment is on the second floor. Let the plebs living on the ground worry about rain. Up here in the sky, we enjoy our closeness with the sun.

Anyway, to relax, I loaded Pluto on my TV. Pluto.tv is a free streaming service from Viacom of shows and movies it owns. It has ads, so it’s like cable, but better because it’s free and has things I actually want to watch. Because this is an election year, about half the commercials right now are for the Joe Biden campaign. Man, I wish I could meet someone in real life who is as excited for Joe Biden as his campaign commercials are. The commercials actually think Joe Biden is both inspiring and doesn’t poop his pants.

So Pluto has annoying commercials, but some good channels. There is one that streams classic Nickelodeon all day, which is a treat, because it takes me back to a time when I was young and happy and not beaten down by the ugly world.

There is also a channel that only shows Unsolved Mysteries, which I haven’t seen once this century. In case you are too young to know, Unsolved Mysteries was documentary show hosted by Robert Stack, who’d wear a trench coat (the trench coat being the most mysterious coat to wear because you never know if someone is naked underneath) as he introduced segments that ranged from reenactments of unsolved murders, or missing people, to stories about ghosts and UFOs. Looking back, it was wildly inappropriate to put real life tragedies next to reports on Bigfoot, but that’s just how we did TV in the ‘90s. Unsolved Mysteries used to air on Lifetime, the women’s channel. That made sense because woman are the main audience for the 4000 true crime murder podcasts on iTunes, and every woman thinks every house she’s ever lived in is haunted. But I used to watch Homicide: Life on the Street reruns on Lifetime. It was one of the best shows of the ‘90s, but it was a gritty cop show that usually only had one woman in the cast.

The Degrassi Channel is mistakenly listed under “Entertainment”

There is even a channel that streams Degrassi 24/7, all however many seasons there were. I don’t think anyone asked for that, but Pluto has it. They don’t air Next Class, the Netflix series. Netflix must still own the rights even though they canceled it. That’s fine by me because Next Class was Next Ass. I would always end up turning off the Degrassi channel as soon I looked at it, because they always seemed to be showing episodes from later on, when the actors were too pretty and the stories too dumb. That is what happened to Degrassi, the actors got better looking and the writers got worse.

But I was in luck that Sunday because Pluto was finally showing a Classic Degrassi Adventure. The episode was Bark at the Moon”, the 13th episode of the fourth season, and the fifth after the school shooting. It originally aired on November 23, 2004 (or as they write dates in Canada: 04:23:dinovimbrei) I was so happy I wanted to write a new recap of the episode to expand on what Billie Green wrote so many years ago.

It begins with Spinner waiting tables at the Dot, the cafe next to the school, while Manny keeps her eyes focused his butt. Spinner tells her he needs to “boost turnover” or the manager will slit his throat. I think turnover refers to how often employees have to be hired to replace those that quit. I don’t think that Spinner’s responsibility. Maybe he needs to sell more apple turnovers.

OK, I went and looked it up. Turnover can also refer to “The amount of money taken by a business in a particular period”. Words have too many meanings and I’m sick of it.

Anyway, even though Spinner has to be working, he still takes time to flirt with Manny. They began dating a few episodes ago, I believe, and Spinner wants Manny to commit to being boyfriend and girlfriend, officially. I assume they would be by default since they are dating. But, no, Spinner wants Manny and him to go steady. Go steady? What is this, Happy Days? Hey Spinner, do you want Manny to wear your Letterman jacket and be your only gal? Do you want to pick her up in your Chevy and drive her to Makeout Point, where you’ll kiss with tongues while Frank Sinatra and Big Bopper play on the AM radio? Actually, that sounds romantic, and way better than dating is now. Dating these days is horrible when you have to spend hours trying to make yourself look not hideous on Tinder and find the rare person who is less hideous than you doesn’t live with a dozen pitbulls.

“That’s Rex. He really likes you.”

“He’s biting my face off!”

“Nah, those are love kisses. He’s a gentle boy.”

“Please I need to go to the hospital.”

“You said you liked dogs! Now you’re dripping blood all over my carpet. Get out before I call the cops!”

Anyway, what’s absurd is that Manny won’t agree to be his girlfriend yet. What? Why? He’s Spinner. Teenagers are dumb. It’s too bad most of them are immune to COVID-19.

After the theme song, Manny shows a new student named Chester around. Looking back at the original recap, Billie referred to Chester as “Esk*** kid”. Yikes! On behalf of Warm Fuzzy Glow, Boycott the Caf, and our parent company, Al Jazeera Digital Media, I want to apologize to the Indigenous Community of Canada for our past use of the “e-word”. It is as unacceptable today as it was back then.

Craig then approaches Manny to apologize for getting her pregnant last year and spending all day hopping from one garage sale to another while she had an abortion. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes,” Craig says, “but you were probably the biggest.” Way to apologize and dunk on her at the same time. I think Craig is trying to make amends after he learned he is bipolar. Mentally ill people have to complete a 12 step program, I suppose. But Manny is not ready to hear this and walks away.

I think Manny is being unreasonable. Girl, you had the abortion, let the resentment go. You got to start over at the clinic, like you were never even pregnant—literally!

Abortion is a controversial issue. And I am for it. Don’t get me wrong, I 100% agree with pro-lifers that a fetus is a lifeform and abortion is murder. It’s just that I am OK with murder of the unborn. Everyday Goddamn day I have to deal with shithead parents who don’t know how to manage children, dragging around their little shithead children that never should have have been born. I’m sick of shitty kids and parents everywhere. I wish abortion was more common. I want to hand out morning after pills in gift bags. I’d put in it the water supply if I could. Seriously, do you want Manny and Craig to be parents? As stupid as they are, their kid wouldn’t stand a chance. The Canadian taxpayers already have to subsidize a lot of stupid e-words up north.

My point is, I think abortion should be legal, but also a woman goes to Hell for having one. And as Christian who uses Sundays to sleep in, I am firm in my principles.

So…anyway, next, Paige tricks Manny into filling in for her in a meeting she and Marco have with the principal, Mr. Raditch. I think the principal will know the difference between Paige and Manny. They are two of only a dozen kids in this entire school who do everything. But then, Mr. Raditch comes out of his office holding a box of his things. The school board fired him after the shooting. I guess he had to let Marco and Paige be the first to know.

The new principal is that blonde woman. I forget her name, but think she was a teacher. She’d better hope there isn’t another school shooting in the next 90 days while she’s still in her probationary period. She wants Manny and Marco to come up with a way to boost morale at Degrassi. It’s good the principal asked a girl and a gay boy to come up with ideas, because a straight boy wouldn’t take it seriously. He’d be like, “Uh…how ‘bout we give everyone a copy of Halo 2? Derr…” with his mouth open the whole time (Halo 2 was a big game in 2004, if you’ll recall).

Next, Spinner tries to woo Manny with a stuffed llama. It’s a toy, not a real llama stuffed by a taxidermist (Spinner already did that to woo Grizzly Adams). But Manny just takes it without committing to being his girlfriend. If she doesn’t want to go steady, she better give the llama back. Spinner stole it from his sister’s bedroom.

Manny and Marco try to brainstorm ideas, but keep getting distracted by talking about Britney’s marriage to Kevin Federline (hot gossip in 2004). Chester comes by and suggests a dance, with the twist that they use a computer survey to match up couples. That would be awkward and humiliating to boys and girls alike. The survey asks each student their favorite movie, band and such. As Billie pointed out before, the survey would be useless because most boys and girls have complete opposite tastes in music and movies. Every other girl will get matched with Marco.

At lunch, Spinner tells Manny he can’t attend the dance because he has to work. “If you can’t commit to a simple dance,” asks Manny, “How can you commit to me?” It’s clear Manny is not really upset about the dance. She said that when she really meant something else. Girls communicate their feelings to men in riddles. If you are a boy, think of a girl as the Riddler and you as Batman. You must solve the riddles to win the day. Also, dress up as those characters in bed. You many find it to be quite erotic.

By the way, Manny is wearing low cut jeans. I miss those. They were the best part of turn of millennium fashion. Remember when you could see a girl’s belly button? Nowadays, women wear the high wasted jeans that go up to their bra. I blame Taylor Swift. But it’s also the fault of fat women who want to hide their belly rolls. That means we’re never going back to low waist jeans, because the population sure as hell isn’t going to get less fat.

If we’re going to let fatties dictate apparel, why are only pregnant women allowed to wear maternity pants? I want everyone to wear them. They look so comfy, with those large elastic waistbands. You could eat all you want and your pants will still fit. It would be heaven.

Anyway, the next day is Mr. Raditch’s resignation speech before the student body. I don’t think that’s something principal do. At the very least, Degrassi could have him resign like Nixon, where he boards a helicopter and waves to the crowd before leaving.

Chester gets to work on the dance matchmaking survey. The computer has matched Manny with Liberty’s little brother. I have a feeling Liberty’s brother will be much happier about this than Manny. Finally his years of listening to Jessica Simpson have paid off! But Manny wants to be paired with Chester, so changes her answers to match his. Her favorite movie is Honey (of course), but types in Donnie Darko, which Chester likes. Chester must be an idiot.

Later, at the dance, Manny finds she is again paired with Liberty’s brother, and sees Chester dancing with Darcy, in one of her first appearances. She looked so different back then without her massive hair extensions. Marco reversed Manny’s tampering because Marco takes the integrity of the dance survey very seriously. Marco tells Manny that she is scared to be with Spinner because Craig hurt her. That makes sense. It probably doesn’t help that Spinner and Craig are friends. “You need to get over yourself,” he tells Manny. I love how Marco made it his business to get Spinner a girlfriend. Spinner did help Marco prepare for his first date with Paige’s brother. This is what their friendship is about.

Meanwhile, Paige has been secretly dating a young teacher named Mr. Orlando. They are doing a bad job of keeping this a secret, because they keep discussing their relationship in school. Paige asks Marco for help, but he is busy helping Spinner this week, so Paige is on her own. Marco is mad that Paige also tried to fix the survey and came with a printout that showed her matched with Mr. Orlando. Mr. Orlando states that he never took the survey because he is a teacher. Nobody ever called Paige smart.

Paige and Mr. Orlando work out their bullshit and almost kiss in the hallway while the dance is going on. But they stop when Manny sees them! Oh no, Paige you had better do whatever it takes to make sure Manny keeps quiet. Paige, you’re going to have to become Manny’s butler.

Or come up with a plausible lie. “No Manny, hon, it wasn’t what it looked like. Mr. O was choking me. That’s it. No big deal.”

If that wasn’t bad enough, they kiss again in the school parking lot. Come on! Plenty of people had to have seen that!

Am I the stupid one? Were student-teacher relationships allowed in Canada? I know that in ‘70s movies, you could see, like, a 30-something guy with a 15-year-old girlfriend, and rock stars would do that in real life, but times change and this episode was only 16 years ago. I was around back then, I know teachers could get arrested for what Mr. Orlando is doing.

Anyway, let’s get back to Manny and Spinner. Spinner makes a surprise appearance at the dance. He started a kitchen fire to close the Dot early. However, Manny is not ready to Spin love with Spinner and is still trying to Chest love with Chester, so tries to show her dance moves to the new kid. But she is horrible. She dances like how black people think white people dance. You’d think she would be a better dancer, being a cheerleader. Maybe the cheer team isn’t that good. Maybe all the cool girls in Degrassi are in Majorettes. We never see them because they are twirling their batons and having their own adventures on a better Canadian high school soap, Toronto Hills M4K 1B9.

Finally, Manny takes Marco’s advice to heart and realizes Spinner is the boy for her. But since she has been leading Chester on, she has to let him down. Chester is mad and is all, “I thought Degrassi would be so much better than Nunavet. This place sucks. I hate you all.” Way to go Manny, you made another school shooter.

I wish Degrassi did have another shooting, instead of that Kevin Smith silliness that ended the season. Then Raditch could have gone to the school board to get his job back. “See? It’s not my fault the shooting happened. It’s the students’. These kids are fucked up!”

Anyway, Manny agrees to be Spinner’s girlfriend, with one condition: that Spinner promise to never get her pregnant. Spinner can’t make that promise, so Manny asks that he just won’t break her heart. Spinner can promise that.

Conclusion:

I like this episode. It had a good story and character development for Manny. Her actions made sense based on the way Craig hurt her last year. Season 4 was part of a short period in Degrassi’s run when the writers remembered past episodes and could follow their own continuity. And while the intense episodes about a shooting or blow job are the most memorable, there is something enjoyable about a simple story that focuses on the real way teenagers can hurt one another just trying to find their own happiness.

I see that Billie disagreed, only gave the episode a C, and wrote a short review that was oddly angry. Degrassi could make Billie quite angry, from what I saw as an intern.

My internship at Warm Fuzzy Glow was strange. I would be in the stockroom, sewing underwear, and hear Billie wandering the halls muttering. The breakroom only had raw carrots because that was all anyone was allowed to eat. Billie would munch on them while talking like Bugs Bunny and get mad when I didn’t do the same. I’d get woken up at 3:30am with a phone call telling me to go to Wal-Mart to buy goldfish and plastic tubs. Billie kept the office crowded with plastic tubs full of goldfish and never explained why. It smelled and the fish would die because Billie never bought filters.

I think spending so much time on Degrassi drove Billie Green insane. In a way, I think dying from a policeman’s bullet was blessing and brought Billie some peace.

You can watch “Bark at the Moon” on Youtube! Do so at your own risk, because Google will forever know you watched Degrassi.

Ghislaine Maxwell Arrested

News

Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein’s confidant, arrested in sex abuse probe

The daughter of the late British publishing magnate Robert Maxwell has been accused of playing a role in the trafficking operation.

Federal authorities arrested Ghislaine Maxwell, the longtime confidant of Jeffrey Epstein, on Thursday in New Hampshire in connection with the late, accused sex trafficker, authorities announced.

By Tom Winter, Jonathan Dienst, Joe Valiquette and Sarah Fitzpatrick, NBC News

OK guys, here’s my movie pitch. Chris Pratt plays a US Marshall tasked with hunting down and bringing into custody Ghislane Maxwell (played by Selma Blair) before she can flee to Epstein Island and be safe from extradition. Halfway through the movie, he captures her. But then the twist: now he has to protect her from operatives from MI6, Mossad, and the Clinton Foundation, who want to kill Ghislane before she can tell federal prosecutors everything she knows about the global child sex ring.

The final showdown will be in the very jail where Epstein was “suicided” against a heavily armed Hillary Clinton (played by David Spade in a wig and pantsuit).

Black People Hate Lea Michele and She Hates Them

General

I don’t know if you follow the news as little as I do, but apparently, some policemen in Minneapolis killed a black man named Floyd George. Which made people so angry that they rioted all over America. And I’m sitting here thinking, “Hey fellas, what’s with the outrage? Cops kill black men all the time. Why are you suddenly mad now?”

Must be everyone was itching to get out after weeks of having to stay home due to COVID-19. I’m glad we as a country have decided that we are no longer going to care about the coronavirus. I was sick of not being allowed to go to the garden center to eat bird seed or attend mass gatherings with my cult. And I’m positive these protests won’t lead to any new outbreaks of COVID-19. Those protesters are on the side of social justice, so they’ll be immune.

There have not been any protests where I live. But I live in small town in Michigan, where the few black people here are just happy to have escaped Detroit. Still, I stay on alert for any signs of a riot brewing. When I pass a black person on the sidewalk (we taught them to walk on the sidewalk instead of the middle of the street like they do in their urban environments) I keep my eye on them. I give them the stink eye and don’t break it until they are out of view. Occasionally, one will say something (“Whaddafuq u doin’?”) and I’ll get spooked and run away.

Anyway, because there is a major political movement underway in America, our nation’s celebrities have to make their voices heard, by virtue signaling on social media. 57 years ago, Charlton Heston and others marched with Dr. King, but posting from an iPhone is just as brave. One of many stars to express platitudes online was Lea Michele, best known as Rachel Berry on Glee, and not much since.

Left: Actress Lea Michele. Right: An artistic depiction of the death of Floyd George at the hands of police.

That’s when things went hilariously wrong for her. After Lea posted the following message on Twitter: “George Floyd did not deserve this. This was not an isolated incident and it must end. #BlackLivesMatter”, a black actress named Samantha Marie Ware, who guest stared on Glee, replied (in all caps because black women type like they talk):

“LMAO REMEMBER WHEN YOU MADE MY FIRST TELEVISON GIG A LIVING HELL?!?! CAUSE ILL NEVER FORGET. I BELIEVE YOU TOLD EVERYONE THAT IF TOU HAD THE OPPORTUNITY YOU WOULD “SHIT IN MY WIG!” AMONGST OTHER TRAUMATIC MICROAGRESSIONS THAT MADE ME QUESTION A CAREER IN HOLLYWOOD… ”

First off, I’m skeptical that Lea Michele ever threatened to shit in a black girl’s wig, because I find it hard to believe a white woman would ever say anything that hilarious. Second, I don’t think a microaggression can by definition be traumatic. That would make it a real aggression. Like, if Lea held Samantha down and shit on her head while calling her the n-word, that would be aggressive and traumatic. But that’s not worth quibbling about.

The fact is, Lea’s bad attitude was confirmed by three other black actors who worked with her, Amber Riley and Alex Newell from Glee, and Yvette Nicole Brown from the short lived sitcom The Mayor (which was Parks & Recs if written by hacks). The two dumb Millenials communicated via animated .gifs, which is annoying. But Yvette, a grown woman and Christian, used words. Bless.

Yvette Nicole Brown, Amber Riley, Samantha Marie Ware, Alex Newell. I am not sure who is who.

So it looks like Lea Michele hates black people. That would make her a racist, which is not a good thing to be now that we are expected to care about black people. As far as I can tell, this hasn’t cost her any acting work, but only because it’s been awhile since she’s had any. Hello Fresh (whatever that is) dropped their endorsement deal with her, meaning Lea will no longer receive free cabbage.

Lea Michele apologized on Instagram. Instagram is a platform for photos, but Lea[’s publicist] typed out an apology and put it on an image file. I don’t like that. I wish people still wrote on blogs instead of social media. But I get why. No one reads blogs anymore. This is a blog, and no one will read this. Still, Lea Michele really shit on my wig by making me read text placed on a picture.

Unfortunately for Lea, apologizing over social media never works. No one ever receives the forgiveness they were hoping for. If anything, the situation only gets worse for the person who apologized. Because after Lea said sorry, more actors came forward with stories about how horrible she was. Among them: Glee costar Heather Morris, Gerard Canonico, Imia Edwards, Plastic Martyr, Monica Moskatow, Jordan Pruitt, and Dabier Snell. I don’t know who those people are, but Kate Hudson don’t like Lea Michele neither!

But that’s actually good news. Because now we know Lea is not just mean to black people. She is mean to white people as well. Which means Lea Michele is not a racist. Lea Michele is just a huge cunt! She’s a theater kid from New York City, that shouldn’t surprise anyone.

Finally, let’s put this in perspective. In the history of Glee, this is really only the fifth or sixth worse thing to have happened. Two actors died, one had a drug overdose, another committed suicide to avoid a prison term for possessing child pornography. I think Glee is cursed.

I Love You, Daddy & Louis CK’s Love of Himself

Essay, Film Review

I Love You, Daddy is a 2017 film written, directed, and starring comedian Louis CK. It was pulled from distribution one week before it was to debut, after the New York Times revealed that Louie had masturbated in front of several women. Not all at the same time; he wasn’t putting on kinky shows at bachelorette parties. He committed lewd acts several times over the years he worked as a stand up comic. He would bring young female comics to his hotel room, take off all his clothes, and go to town on his ugly Mexican churro.

Louis CK published an apology, but that did not hold back the consequences. HBO, FX, TBS and Netflix pulled his material from their networks and cut ties. Louie stayed out of the public eye for almost a year. He dipped his toe back into comedy in August of 2018, with performances at least two New York clubs, and then embarked on a tour of the US and Europe—but I’ll write about that at the end. It looks like Louis CK is back, so I want to recap I Love You, Daddy, the movie that was exiled with him.


The Movie

The first thing you will notice about I Love You, Daddy is that it is in black-and-white, which no movie since Young Frankenstein should be—without good reason, at least. There was a movie from last year called The Lighthouse, which was not only filmed in black-and-white, but also in a square TV aspect ratio. The movie was really good (I didn’t get it, but will say I did to sound smart), and being filmed that way worked for that particular movie because it made it appear as claustrophobic as its story. And then there was Kevin Smith, who filmed Clerks in black-and-white because he was young and could not afford color film.

But Louie CK is rich, and made I Love You, Daddy in black-and-white because he is pretentious. Also, Woody Allen’s Manhattan is black-and-white, and Louie’s idea of creativity is to ripoff Woody Allen. Many episodes of Louie had an esoteric Woody Allen tone, particularly in the later seasons. I can see why Louis CK looks up to Woody Allen. As a pervert himself, Louis CK must admire famous perverts.

The next thing you will notice about I Love You, Daddy is that Louie’s character gets berated by every woman in his life in the first 15 minutes. It begins with an argument between him and his ex-wife, played by Helen Hunt, because he has more money than her, which means their daughter wants to live with him. This makes Louie a bad person, somehow.

Then, Louie’s 17-year-old daughter, China, (Chloë Grace Moretz) is mad because he won’t allow her to use his private airplane to fly off to Florida so she can enjoy a second spring break. Yes, she’s going for Spring Break #2. Louie tells her she is spoiled, but then calls to make his plane available to her.

By the way, the first time we see China, she is in a white bikini, reminiscent of the iconic introduction of the titular character in Lolita. I bet Louis CK meant to do that. He probably edged for hours comparing himself to Kubrick.

This is followed by his ex-girlfriend, Maggie (Pamela Aldon) telling him he is a bad father. Louie tells her that she has no business getting involved. Maggie says, “You suck” and swears at him. Then, she kicks him in the balls until he apologizes. Not all of that happened exactly, but I captured the spirit of the scene.

Finally, Louie’s production partner, played by Edie Falco, chews him out because the new TV series he sold to a network will mean more work for her, and Louie didn’t think about that, did he? I don’t understand why she is upset over having to work on a TV series when she is a TV producer. She should congratulate Louie for making them more money. Also, she cries about a horse (must be menopause).

That’s how the movie begins. There were scenes like that in Louie and Horace & Pete, other Louis CK projects. Maybe Louis CK gets pleasure from women castigating him. Perhaps it tickles the same fetish for humiliation that led him to jerk off in front of women. Oh God, Louie was probably wanking while writing the script! Eew.

I should mention that Louis CK plays a television producer who had his second series picked up by a network. One of the guys from Always Sunny in Philadelphia is in the movie. I like Always Sunny but can’t tell any of the men apart because they all have dark hair and sometimes a beard. I couldn’t even say how many men are in the cast. I know there is Danny Devito, and two to five other guys. I watch Always Sunny like a lion watching a zebra herd who can’t tell how many zebra are huddled together. Whoever this actor is, his character is named Ralph and he is Louie’s famous writing partner.

Anyway, the network has Louie meet an an actress, Grace, to see if she would be a good fit for his new show. Grace is from Australian, where they call what Louis CK does to himself “hunting the crocodile”, “polishing the boomerang”, or “waltzing without Matilda”. Louie finds himself smitten with Grace. However, he owes another actress the role after he pulled out his penis in front of her. Grace sees a photo of China and asks if she is Louie’s girlfriend. Louie informs her it’s his daughter. That’s probably some dumb foreshadowing.

Later, at home, Louie and China watch a movie Grace was in. In it, she kills a man after showing him her breasts, which I think would be rude. Louie is disturbed and thinks this movie is even worse than Horace & Pete. China explains that it’s a feminist message. Louie disagrees, saying that is a terrible way to express feminism, and China should not even identify as a feminist when she is a rich kid who had everything handed to her by her father. If that were the case, the population of feminists in America would have to shrink by 70%. All that would be left would be homeless lesbians and men who pretend to be feminists to get away with rape.

Louie then goes to his balcony to phone Grace. He wants to jack off during the conversation, but stops himself. Grace is a special lady, so he decides to wait for the right moment to masturbate in front of her in person. Grace invites Louie and his daughter to a fancy party where all sorts of show business people will attend. Shit, Alex Jones warned me about these! This is a horror movie and China is going to be eaten!

It’s not that bad, really. They attend, and one of the first famous people they spot is the infamous director, Leslie Goodwin, played by John Malkovich. China tells her dad that Leslie is a child molester, but Louie says that’s just a rumor and Leslie is “probably the greatest writer and filmmaker in the last 30 years”. Ah I see! Leslie is a stand-in for Woody Allen!

You know what Louis CK should have done? Instead of John Malkovich, he should have gotten Jason Alexander and had him behave like George Constanza in the early years of Seinfeld, when he would copy Woody Allen’s mannerisms. It would have made the movie funny.

Anyway, Grace introduces Louie and China to Leslie. Louie is nervous to be in the presence of his hero. The two have a private conversation. Leslie doesn’t think much that Louie works in TV, and Louie stumbles over his words and can’t decide whether to take out his penis. Leslie asks about China (not the country, the girl he wants to bone).

Later on, Leslie talks to Chin and impresses her with his basic knowledge of feminism. China says this encounter is weird because her dad is in love with Leslie, and tells him, “I don’t like you.” But Leslie totally charms his way out of those molestation allegations.

The next day at his office, Louie gets his hair cut. Which is a waste of time because he is bald. You made a hair dresser come all the way to where you work when you have nothing to maintain. Stop acting like you need the services of barber like the rest of us. Just grab some scissors, and maybe a mirror, and cut your own hair…what’s left. Don’t worry about how it will look. No one is going to care how neat or messy the back of your head is. Stay in your lane.

Anyway, Louie is excited because he will have lunch with Leslie Goodwin today. Ralph tells Louie to ask if Leslie really did touch that kid. But then Louie gets a phone call and is told the lunch is canceled. Right then, a happy China enters the office. China tells them she was out with Leslie, which shocks Louie. She was shopping at Barney’s (a high end department store that doesn’t like to serve black people) and found Leslie watching girls who were shopping for clothes. Leslie explained that there is a difference between perverts and himself, which China found intellectual. She tried on swimsuits for him, and they had a super pretentious date at the park. Louie is appalled. Ralph laughs.

Later, Louie is livid when informed that China will travel to Paris with Leslie. China tells her dad it will be fine because other concubines will be with them. Louie forbids her from going, but China says he can’t stop her and is only mad he wasn’t invited. Which is probably true. I think in real life, Louie CK would totally offer up his daughter to befriend Woody Allen.

So China travels with Leslie, where they have a merry time indeed. There is a group with Leslie, people who would probably be in the Manson Family were this the ‘60s. On a yacht, China canoodles with a young man while Leslie types on a typewriter. Back in New York, Louie also took out his typewriter. Louis CK was way too proud of himself for coming up with this dumb connection between his character and Leslie.

Later, Louie is in bed with Grace and worried about his daughter. Grace assures him that this “is a positive thing for China”. She then says that 17 is just as good as 18, and China is better off in the care of an old man than a teen boy. Of course, none of this makes Louie feel better. “You don’t know Leslie,” says Grace, “and you don’t really know her.” Grace informs Louie that she dated a 50-year-old man when she was 15, but won’t tell him if it was Leslie. Louie is so upset he leaves without taking his penis out of his boxer shorts.

Leslie and China return to New York and arrive at Louie’s home in the middle of an argument. Leslie and Ralph hit it off when Ralph asks point blank if he fucked a kid. They make plans to play tennis. After Ralph and China leave, Louie tries to ask Leslie about her, but Leslie plays coy (or maybe he has the early stages of Alzheimer’s). Finally, Louie says, “I need to know that you’re not fucking my daughter.” At that moment, China enters the room and is mad at her dad. Then Leslie leaves, and Louie still doesn’t know if her daughter and Leslie had sex. Maybe they did in France where it wouldn’t be illegal since he is an artist. [see: Polanski, Roman]

We next go to China’s 18th birthday party, which is outside and attended by many rich people. Louie is on a stage with Ralph and a band. China arrives in a horse-drawn carriage. This is why I don’t care about China and why she’s a nothing character. She’s a spoiled rich kid whose social circle is the rich and famous. Nothing that bad could ever really happen to her. And no matter what, her life will be fantastic. It doesn’t matter if Leslie had sex with her. It doesn’t matter if he tied her to a bed and shoved a baseball bat up her vagina while she screamed for help, and then let a dozen other guys do the same. She’ll be fine. Drew Barrymore went through all sorts of terrible things by the time she was 12, and she’s still in the top 0.0001% of most fortunate human beings who have ever lived. She’s a big movie star even though every movie she has been in is terrible.

Anyway, with Maggie’s help, Louie understands he needs to work up the courage to order China to stop seeing Leslie. But the party suddenly ends when it rains, because Louis CK thought that was a whimsical way to end the scene.

China goes to Leslie to announce that she is now 18 and looking forward to continuing their relationship. For some reason, she tells Leslie about a game she played as a child called “Mother, May I?” I know of that game, but the version China describes is disturbingly sexual. Like, the boys would take out their dicks and slap the girls in the face. Leslie doesn’t appear interested in China anymore. Maybe he was as alarmed by that game as I.

China returns home, where Louie finally acts like a man and tells her to end it with Leslie. He tells her she has to follow his orders because he pays her bills. This leads to both of them crying; China because she has no talent or skills, Louie because he coddled her all her life.

“What am I going to do?” cries China. Bitch, anything. So what you don’t know what you’re good at? You’re 18, of course you wouldn’t. You have years to figure it out. It’s called being a teenager. Plus, you have it better than most, way better, because you have money and connections. Harvard would let you in with an SAT score of 3. Use Leslie as a reference on your application. This is the climax of the movie, but it’s such a pointless dilemma. An 18-year-old who doesn’t know what to do after high school is a story for an episode of a family sitcom, not the most dramatic moment of a movie.

Anyway, Louie finally asks China if she had sex with Leslie. “That’s none of your fucking business Glen!” she yells. Louie’s character is named Glen. I called him Louie because Louis CK acts like he does in every other thing he’s written: a sad man who women yell at.

Later, China’s black friend talks to Louie Glen after she spoke to China, and tells Louie Glen some things that make him feel better. Louis CK is lazy enough and liberal enough to make the one black person in his movie the wise and comforting character, even though she’s only a teenager.

That’s so racist. Being black doesn’t automatically mean someone has more wisdom than a white person. If anything, a black person often has less, and what he or she does know wouldn’t apply to anyone who is not black. Oh hey, you can tell me which colors not to wear in which neighborhood. Well, I would never ever go into those neighborhoods, and even if I did, no one would think I was in a gang. Oh, you have advice for how to talk to the police? Why? Just talk to them like normal, silly. Why do you need a whole procedure for to deal with cops? What are you so afraid of?

Anyway, China’s black friend says, “Everyone is a pervert” and admits she had a crush on Louie Glen as a kid, so Louie Glen tries to have sex with her. No, he really does. This movie is so bad I can’t even joke about something dumb happening, because it actually happens.

Some months have passed and we are shown a party after the Emmy Awards. We learn that Ralph has left Louie Glen to make a show with Leslie that won awards that night, Louie’s Glen’s project with Grace was never made, Leslie has not seen China for some time, and neither has Louie Glen.

Finally, Louie Glen reconnects with China, who is now making it on her own by working at the perfume counter in a store, which is not a real job. I think they just stand people there to prevent someone from shoplifting the perfume. Though I admire China for getting a job. Most young women in her situation would just hook up with another old guy. Anyway, the movie ends with music that doesn’t at all fit the movie.


Review

“I Love You, Daddy” is a technically impressive film […] And all rendered meaningless by the unmistakable stench of creepiness, narcissism and hypocrisy permeating the story.


– Richard Roeper, Sun Times

The film’s visuals are its only asset. Shot on 35mm, the production design is quite striking, evoking classic glossy Hollywood films. But the rudderless story drags. It’s hard to say which is worse: the cringe-inducing moments or its meandering, plotless story.


– Claudia Puig, The Wrap

There’s not much I can say about I Love You, Daddy that wasn’t already said by critics three years ago. The reviews were mostly negative, which is fair, because I Love You, Daddy is a bad movie.

As a tribute or dissection or whatever to Woody Allen’s Manhattan, it fails because Manhattan was so much better. For instance, there is a scene in Manhattan where Woody Allen’s character attends a black tie event for a liberal cause and tells the effete set he’s with that they should use bats and bricks to attack an upcoming Nazi march. But the others reply, no a satirical article in the paper was enough to make our point. That brief moment was funnier and smarter than all two hours of I Love You, Daddy.

There’s also the fact that Louis CK was in a Woody Allen film in 2013, Blue Jasmine. I thought I should watch it in case it offered something that put I Love You, Daddy in context. But I don’t want to. It’s on Netflix, so I could put in on now…but I’d rather not. I wouldn’t even have to pay for Netflix; it’s on a hard drive full of movies my brother gave me. It got really good reviews and is only 98 minutes long…but I’m just not a Woody Allen fan.

The point is, Louis not only met his hero, but worked with him, a few years before making this movie. Which leads me to wonder about the characters Ralph and Leslie. In the movie, it seemed that Glen and Ralph represented two facts of Louis CK, the serious writer, and the man who makes dick jokes. Even though Glen tried, it was Ralph who befriended Leslie. So, did Louis CK expect to bond with Allen over arsty bullshit, to find that Allen liked him more for his humor? Probably. I mean, Louis CK is a terrible actor, so why else hire him? But I don’t want to examine this, because I don’t care. I will not analyze I Love You, Daddy. I’m not Roger Ebert (I still have my original jaw).

What I’d rather comment on is that while watching I Love You, Daddy, I was reminded of a time Louis CK was on The Opie & Anthony Show (a defunct morning zoo radio show hosted by a boring dad and a racist pedophile). He told a story about showing his very young daughter a Charlie Chaplin film, which made her sad because Chaplin’s character was arrested, so Louis tried to use it to teach her about life. Noted pervert, Jim Norton, piped in that she was actually upset because her dad made her watch his indulgent film choice instead of cartoons. Louis laughed.

That’s who Louis CK is: a man with particular tastes in media he wants to share. Before he made I Love You, Daddy he was turning into Artsy Louis. Artsy Louis is the Louis who wants to be known as profound rather than just a standup who jokes about his dick. You saw Artsy Louis grow when every season of Louie was less interested in being a comedy. Artsy Louis promoted Tig Notaro. Artsy Louis wanted to do what Woody Allen did: go from being the biggest stand up comic to a director of critically acclaimed, esoteric dramas.

It’s not that I dislike all of Louis CK’s scripted work. Most of Louie was fantastic. I became of fan Louis because of Lucky Louie, a one season sitcom he made on HBO in 2005. Just as I Love You, Daddy was a tribute to Woody Allen, Lucky Louie was a tribute to The Honeymooners: it was filmed in front of an audience, the main set was a bare apartment, and Louis played a member of the working poor. It was hilarious and clever, and portrayed marriage, parenthood, and financial constraint in an honest way (not that I would know as I am unmarried, childless, and a Rothschild).

That’s Louis CK’s strength as a comedian; he can turn observations about life into something hilarious and cathartic for the audience. But he doesn’t have the same talent for creating fictional, dramatic stories. Few comics could, and Louis CK is one of the smartest, funniest comedians there has ever been. There were times in Louie where Louis showed he could successfully accomplish what he failed to with I Love You, Daddy, but Louie had some flops too. And the best episodes of Louie, like his standup, came from his experiences as a comedian and father.

If Louis CK is ever allowed back into making TV and film, I would want to tell him not to chase his heroes, don’t copy Woody Allen, just be Louis CK…but with more sexual discretion this time. Not that he would care what I have to say about his career. He’d think I was just some nut on the street yelling at him.


On the Subject of Louie and His Fondness For His Penis

I was surprised as anyone when the Times story broke. By that I mean I wasn’t surprised at all. Come on, half of his stand up was about masturbation. He never hid his fondness for it. He pretty much admitted to what the Times reported, years earlier on Opie & Anthony (a defunct morning zoo radio show hosted by a dim-witted frat boy and an alcoholic with a domestic violence conviction). I just assumed we all knew and were fine with it.

On one hand, I agree that what Louis CK did was abhorrent. It was good of the Times to bring it to light and shame him. I don’t agree the Louis fans who say he didn’t do anything wrong. No, he very clearly did. I mean, come on, it was bad. He shouldn’t get a pass because he makes you laugh. If Louis was a manager at Target doing that to the cashiers, you wouldn’t excuse it because he keeps the store clean. No, he’d be fired and sent to Kmart. Hell, zoos would never be able to have primate exhibits if monkeys and apes had as little discipline as Louis CK.

I don’t agree with the Louis defenders who argue he is the victim. Because he’s not. He’s not. Doing something wrong, then having that exposed, does not make him a victim. It makes him someone who got caught. He’s not being persecuted by social justice mobs or cancel culture or whatever. Have some perspective. People in prison for crimes they didn’t commit are persecuted. There are just people who don’t like Louis because of something he did, and they have ever right to express their anger. What happened to Louis—the loss of his reputation, work, and money—is on him alone. Ultimately, Louis CK an adult who did something wrong and is bearing the consequences.

On the other hand, come on, what Louis did wasn’t that bad. Don’t place him with Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, and Bill Cosby; those men are sexual predators who should be in prison. Louis CK didn’t commit a crime (can you really lock up Louis CK for loving himself too much?). It’s not as if the criminal justice system can even provide genuine justice in many of these cases. Cosby is in prison, but his prime raping years were long behind him. He didn’t have to give up the best years of his life to pay for his crimes, he got to spend those years raping. Harvey Weinstein was recently found guilty of rape, and sentenced to 23 years in prison. Still, he still got to bang Scarlet Johansson, Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Lawrence when they were 16. They’ll take away his freedom, but can never take that from him. There won’t be a day during his time in Attica where he won’t think, “Eh, it was worth it.”

To be honest, I don’t care if Louis CK works his way back into show business, or has to flee to one of those villages in Alaska where men go to escape the sex offender registry. I’m just glad the scandal put an end to Artsy Louis. He has gotten far too pretentious in the years before he was taken down. He became serious and thought what he had to say mattered, like with his pandering speech that the next Steve Jobs will be a woman. He used to go on Conan with brilliantly funny monologues. Then, in 2016, he told us to vote for Hillary because she is a mother. It was oh sosatisfying when the exact kind of liberals he had been kissing up turned on him.

I took particular delight that his downfall came right before I Love You, Daddy was to premier. Louis anticipated a new life as an auteur filmmaker. And then, it was taken away. I laughed when I learned that. I really did! I am happy that Artsy Louis was killed. It meant the return of Comedy Louis.

After only nine months out of the public eye, Louis CK returned to a few small clubs in New York City, and has been on tour ever since. People around the world have gone to see him, despite the scandal. I have not, but heard his leaked set and loved it. I don’t care that comics consider recording their sets to be unethical (it’s not like it’s as bad a jacking off in front of woman). It was funny and showed that old Louis—Comedy Louis—was back, and that people are laughing (especially that one guy), instead of shunning him. Louis even received a standing ovation at Skankfest and the Patrice O’Neal benefit. He even filmed a new special in mid-March.

Several of Louis CK’s colleagues have spoken up for him; not always to defend what he did, of course, but rather to advocate for his right to perform. Norm Macdonald took a lot of criticism for it, and it may have cost him his Netflix show, but Bill Burr, Michael Che, Ricky Gervais, Chris Rock, Joe Rogan, Sarah Silverman, Doug Stanhope, and others have supported Louis and still have jobs. Dave Chappelle backed Louis on his recent (Grammy award wininng) Netflix special. Even Janeane Garofalo spoke up for Louis, which was pretty brave, actually, because her fanbase is the kind that want Louis’s head. After Garofalo made it okay, human worm, Jim Norton, changed his stance and began defending his old friend.

There are still comics critical of Louis, among them Paul F Tompkins, which I think is probably because Louis was a dick to him in the ‘90s. I bet a lot of comics who are against Louis’s comeback are that way because Louis was rude to them. One of the wiggers who dated Ariana Grande said as much. Then there’s Jim Carrey, who likely never encountered Louis’s attitude—and rich enough to have Louis killed if he did—but posted an odd drawing criticizing CK for a joke about the Parkland shooting. I don’t know what the deal is with Jim Carrey, other than he’s a bipolar man who won’t get treatment because he thinks the pharmaceutical industry invented autism. Andy Ritcher called Louis’s Parkland jokes “lazy”. As a man whose job is to sit on a couch while others talk, Andy would know lazy.

I’m eager to see where Louis takes his comedy goes as he rebuilds his career. But, look, I don’t have a problem if someone is anti-Louis. It’s a legitimate way to feel. What’s been frustrating is how so much of the media has focused on the outrage that Luis is back to work and making controversies out of his jokes, but ignoring the fact that people are paying to see him and having a good time. There have been exceptions to the terrible media. The best thing I’ve read in defense of Louis CK’s was from The National Review. I also really liked this New Yorker piece, because it was a fair and honest critique. And there was a Daily Beast story with this section that made me laugh:

Ann Horner, 62, was the first protester to show up. “Keep it in your pants,” her sign said. Horner said she has experienced both harassment and sexual assault in her life, and that she was here because of C.K.’s harassment of women. “It’s not OK with me,” she said.

A young man named Shane, who passed by on his way inside, asked Horner what C.K.’s harassment had to do with his standup.

“Do you think it’s funny when people jerk off in front of women?” she asked him.

“No, I think his standup is funny,” he said. “Who do you think is funny?” he asked her.

“Hannah Gadsby” she said. “Do you know who that is?”

“Yes, she’s the one with the least funny special on Netflix,” he said.

Oh Shane, I wish I could marry you. We’re soul mates.

Maybe journalists are jealous because the public doesn’t miss a newsman who is fired due to a sex scandal. Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose won’t get standing ovations at Skankfest.


What to Do with Lou

Still, I totally get that there are women and beta orbiters who are legitimately upset at Louis CK and want some kind of justice, or him to pay a penance, whatever that may be. Since you don’t have the authority to punish him, are not going to be able to stop him from performing, or shame people away from his shows, you will have to try something else.

And I want to help. Here is what I propose. Lay off Louis CK, just for a few years at least. Let him get comfortable out in public, and maybe make another bad movie or two. In the meantime, we’ll all sign up for classes at The Actors Studio in New York City. I don’t know what it takes to get into The Actors Studio. Someone else can figure that out. I can’t do all the work here. Then, we wait—we learn method acting and theater and all that sissy bullshit—until the day Louis CK is invited to be interviewed by James Lipton for Inside The Actors Studio.

Then we strike.

We’ll sit in the audience and listen and laugh. Then Lipton will open the floor to audience questions. Since we’ll be the whole audience, every question we are going to ask Louis CK will be about his masturbating. Some of us will ask what it was like to jerk off in front of women, others advice about hand techniques. The first person will be kicked out right away, as will the second and third, but we’ll keep at it.

Lipton will get angry and demand someone with a valid question. One man will raise his hand and start off, “So, Mr. CK when you blah blah blah in your latest movie it invoked Woody Allen in Midnight in Paris, so what was it like when you took out your penis-” Then everyone should just yell about jerking off. The point will be to make Louis CK realize he can’t escape the scandal. It will always be with him. That will be our justice.

[Edit: I have been informed that The Actors Studio is no longer a school and also James Lipton passed away recently. OK…uh…let me think of something else…

Ah! Here’s what we do: kidnap Louis CK, tie him down, and make him the center of a bukkake session. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

How about that? What? You don’t like it? What is the matter with you? It’s a great plan! You know, what fuck it, I’m all out of ideas. I’m done. You deal with Louis CK however you see fit.]

Three Simple Ways Millennials Can Save Money Now That Bernie Can’t Give Them Free Shit

General

I’d never thought I’d have to say thank you to the African-American community, but African-American voters saved us from Bernie Sanders becoming the Democratic nominee for president, and maybe even the president! Obviously, the people that are not happy are Millenial voters, who expected Bernie to give them a bunch of free shit. I want to help young Americans by showing them three simple (and obvious) ways to save money so they can relay on themselves.

1. Support Free Trade Policies

Free trade agreements increase wealth by removing trade barriars and tariffs, while increasing commerce, lowing prices, and creating jobs. Young people can save money and increase their wealth by supporting the USMCA, Trans-Pacific Partnership, and International Grains Agreement.

2. Put Money into a 401(k) Instead of a New Xbox

Research shows that only 4% of young Americans are adequately saving for retirement, but 98% play video games! Instead of buying the newest Xbox every year, Millenials would be wise to put that money into a brokerage account.

3. Watch Free Porn Instead of Paying for It

It makes no sense to pay $20 or more for a subscription to a pornographic website when there are thousands of free porn videos to enjoy on web. Paid porn sites will try to entice you by offering access to additional sites, but what those offer are really just similar to what the first site has. So, in addition, free sites will provide more variety. Young people would be served to use free websites such as www.xhamster.com, www.youporn.com, and www.pornhub.com.

Even better, one can avoid the degeneracy of pornography by instead masturbating to music videos from the ‘80s. That was a particularly sexy decade for music videos, due to the heavy use of spandex and hair spray. Plus, the men back then looked just as pretty as the girls, so you’ll get double bang for your buck.

Top 5 Sexist Music Videos from the ‘80s

5. Olivia Newton John – Physical

4. Motley Crue – Girls Girls Girls

3. Prince – Kiss

2. Whitesnake – Here I Go Again

1. ZZ Top – Velcro Fly

Billy Green’s Long Lost Interview

General

[In August of 2008, Billy Green was interviewed by the blog TELEVISION MADDNESS. It was assumed the interview was lost forever when the blog shut down in September of 2008. But recently, I went through some old boxes in the office and found a 32MB flash drive that I hoped stored some lost pornography. Sadly, it did not. But it did contain a copy of the webpage. I have uploaded the interview for historical purposes.]

Billy Green runs Boycott The Caf, a website that parodies Degrassi The Next Generation.

Television Maddness: You must have been a fan of the Degrassi for a long time.

Billy Green: No, actually, I never saw original Degrassi from the 80s, not Junior High, not Degrassi High. I had never even heard of them before watching The Next Generation. TNG was my first exposure to the franchise.

TVM: That is surprising you never knew about Degrassi Junior High.

BG: Yeah, like, people younger than me will tell me that watched original Degrassi. I don’t know how they saw it if they didn’t grow up in Canada.

TVM: It aired on a lot of PBS stations.

BG: See, and I would have seen it then because my parents didn’t have cable for a long time when I was a kid because we were poor and got evicted a lot.

TVM: That’s so sad. I’m sorry.

BG: Shut up I don’t need your pity. Like I was saying, I lived in a real small town and the local PBS station must not have had enough money to buy the rights. They mostly filled airtime with British crap or programs about white-tailed deer. They at least had Ghostwriter, which was f***ing sweet.

TVM: How did you find Degrassi then?

BG: Oh God I remember that day so vividly. I was at a sleepover at J-Money’s [Boycott the Caf writer Johnny Dangerous] house with another person who doesn’t want me to use his real name because he doesn’t want to be associated with our website. We’ll just call him Willingham Proboat. We were playing Mario Kart 64. We were going to play it for 64 hours straight. That was a thing back then. It was called Nintendo 64 Hour Challenge. You stayed awake for 2 and a half days to play a Nintendo 64 game. You could go to the bathroom, but you had to subtract those minutes from the playtime, because pauses don’t count. You really did not want to poop. Rumor was, if you made it the whole 64 hours, Nintendo would fly you to Japan and let you see the zoo where they keep all the Pokemon.

We only got to hour 27 before J-Money’s Nintendo 64 caught fire.

J-Money’s parents put out the fire and told us to go play outside. We didn’t want to because it was too bright out, so we watched TV instead.

Flipping through the channels, we saw this homely blonde girl, but she was wearing the most awesome pair of jeans. It had a design of a dolphin leaping out of the water up along the leg to her lady bits. It was beautiful.

TVM: That must have been the very first episode. [Mother and Child Reunion]

BG: Shutup I’m still talking.

We went on J-Money’s parents’ computer to see if we could find where to buy jeans like that but would fit an adult. It took hours of searching before we found a site that was mostly in Russian. We put in his parents’ credit card but somehow a virus got downloaded. It was so bad that you couldn’t clean it out with McAfee. J-Money’s parents had to throw out the computer. And they couldn’t buy a new computer because their identities were stolen somehow.

Anyway, we went back to watching more of that show. The-N hardly airs Degrassi anymore, because I guess they’re ashamed of it. But it was on almost all the time back in the early 2000s, the Oh-Ohs.

TVM: That’s the name for this decade?

BG: They should be called the Uh-Ohs because of George W. Bu$h, am I right?

TVM: Yes. LOL.

BG: By the way, put a dollar sign in place of the S on Bu$h’s name, because he is so greedy for oil. In fact, put a dollar sign in place of every letter! That will show him!

TVM: Can do. The Next Generation must have been so shocking to three young kids.

BG: Kids? No, we were high school seniors at the time. But Degrassi did teach us what sex is.

TVM: Oh… [long pause]

BG: Hello?

TVM: I’m still here. How did this all lead to Boycott The Caf?

BG: We make fun of it, because it’s a terribly written show. So I told J-Money we should put all the things we say while watching into a website, so others can laugh like we do. It was a few years before I got the website rolling, because I spent a lot of time comparing Geocities versus Tripod as hosts. I do all the web coding because J-Money’s parents don’t let him on a computer very much, but he writes the character biographies. I write the episodes and have been doing it season after season.

Since then my old friends from high school have gone on to have full-time jobs and met girls and we’ve lost touch, but I am still here watching Degrassi and writing about it every week. I have a lot of free time thanks to my English degree. J-Money still works on the site with me, but he recently got a girlfriend, so I don’t know how long he’ll be around.

His girlfriend is still in high school so she still likes Degrassi. Lucky man. He watches Degrassi with her friends and then they go out and steal people’s mail and then find an alley to smoke in.

TVM: What has been the reaction from Degrassi fans to BTC? Has anyone from the show seen it, and, if so, what did they say?

BG: That’s a big question. We get a lot of emails, and the reactions have been all over the room for miles, as they say. Many people appreciate our humor. Others are offended. Some people even thought we were an official Degrassi website and would want to correct “errors” quote-unquote we had. That was amusing.

As far as word from anyone who works on the show, early on, we got an email from the writers, using an official Epitome Pictures email address. They thought we were funny and agreed with our take. They must hate their jobs. Then a talent agent for some of the actors sent us a picture of Jake Epstein [Craig] where he is standing under the Degrassi Street sign and the sun is in his eyes and he is scratching his foot with his other foot. I don’t know what to make of that.

I have also been informed that on the season 3 DVD commentary tracks, they use the term Candy Bandits to refer Jay and his merry band of thieves, which we originated. That is an honor, I suppose.

TVM: What are your plans for the future?

BG: Well, I figure Degrassi will end soon. They’re on season 7 now, right? How much longer can this go on? I don’t know what to do after Degrassi ends, maybe work on my erotic fiction.

TVM: How about in your personal life?

BG: Boy it’s been tough in this economy. The only jobs I can get interviews for don’t have benefits and involve cleaning up someone’s poop. I’m so looking forward to voting for Obama.

TVM: Me too. It’s real exciting. You can feel it in the air with people how much they know Obama’ll fix things.

BG: I don’t even like black people, but I’m going to vote for Obama. You can just tell it when he talks he’s not like a typical politician. He’s going to get things done. He’ll give us healthcare and fix the economy and get us out of all Bu$h’$ wars in the Middle East.

TVM: I know! I can’t wait!

BG: Plus if we vote for a black guy we should be allowed to say the n-word. Right? That’s what I’m hoping for the most.

TVM: Ha ha. On my. I wouldn’t go that far. But I bet a President Obama will be as amazing as you say. All my friends think the same.

BG: They should totally give him the next Nobel Peace Price, before he even does anything. That’s how great Obama will be.

TVM: Billy thanks for talking with us at TV Maddness. Be sure to check out Boycott The Caf, the best website for Degrassi.

[Editor’s Note: Sadly, Billy Green passed away in 2018 very tragically. Billy was at a crowded bar outside of Detroit late at night and yelling, “So what I’m white? I can say n***er whenever I want. It’s a free country and we had a n***er president even. N***er! N***er! N***er! N***er! N***er! N***er! N***er! Big thick n***er dick! N***er! N***er! N***er!”

You can imagine what happened next. A police officer overheard Billy shouting the n-word, panicked, and fired his gun, mistaking our writer for an African-American. Billy’s parents sued, but a jury sided with the state, partly due to Billy’s criminal record. At the time of the shooting, Billy was on probation for of manufacturing and selling counterfeit Hanes Her Way underwear. Black Lives Matter did not take up the cause of Billy Green’s killing…bunch of jerks.

My name is P.O. Poppenheimer. I was hired as an intern in 2016, and stayed on after Billy’s death because the office remained open, due to office space in the Upper Peninsula being very cheap (due to there being no economy up here) and I could continue to earn college credit by forging Billy’s signature. As of March of 2020, I was named executor of the assets of Billy Green, including warmfuzzyglow.com, by the State of Michigan (the actual assets are owned by a trust compromising Billy’s many cats). Thus, I have appointed myself editor and publisher of the new Warm Fuzzy Glow. It’s a step up from my previous position, answering emails and sewing knockoff underwear.

The archives for Boycott the Caf can be found at dumbbaby.net

Finally, I do not know what happened to Johnny Dangerous. Keep an eye out for him. I have been informed that the Maryland State Police is offering a substantial reward for any information that leads to his arrest.]